By Aneeta Prem MBE
30 April 2026
Some lies are easy to spot. Others arrive dressed as family loyalty, culture, tradition, privacy, resilience or a brave face.
National Honesty Day, marked on 30 April, began in the United States as a counterpoint to April Fools’ Day. It is a useful hook, but the harder question is not whether people should tell the truth. The harder question is what happens when the truth is visible and everyone around it chooses softer words.
A child is not being protected when adults arrange a marriage. A girl is not being prepared when she is subjected to FGM. A survivor is not bringing shame when she speaks. A patient is not weak because she says the pain is unbearable.
The lie is not always what is said. Sometimes the lie is the language used to make harm sound smaller.
There are words that make adults feel safer.
Family matter.
Tradition.
Private issue.
Community concern.
Coping.
Fine.
In the right place, those words may be harmless. In the wrong place, they become cover. They allow people to look at fear and call it obedience. They allow a professional to hear danger and call it family pressure. They allow a patient to look composed while being quietly disbelieved.
The real test is not whether we admire honesty in theory. The test is whether we act when honesty creates responsibility.
Forced marriage is illegal in the UK. Government guidance describes it as domestic abuse and a serious abuse of human rights. In England and Wales, it is also illegal to do anything to make someone marry before they turn 18, even where pressure or abuse is not proved.
FGM is a criminal offence. Crown Prosecution Service guidance states that FGM is a form of violence against women and girls and, when it happens to children, it is child abuse.
So let us speak plainly.
When forced marriage or FGM involves a child, it is not culture. It is not tradition. It is not honour. It is child abuse, and it is a crime.
Freedom Charity calls it dishonour abuse because that is the honest language. There is no honour in forcing a child into marriage. There is no honour in FGM. There is no honour in coercion, threats, control or fear.
The shame belongs to the person who harms, never the child or survivor.
Shame is often placed on the wrong person.
A child is told not to speak because it will damage the family. A girl is told her body belongs to custom. A young person is told obedience is love. A survivor is told that disclosure brings disgrace.
That is not honour. That is control.
We have been too careful with the feelings of people who harm, and not careful enough with the lives of people who are harmed.
This is where language becomes more than language. It shapes whether professionals act. It shapes whether schools notice. It shapes whether health services ask the next question. It shapes whether survivors believe anyone will stand with them once they speak.
Dishonour abuse names the reality. The shame belongs to the person who harms, threatens, cuts, coerces, arranges, excuses or looks away.
Not the child.
Not the survivor.
Not the person who finally speaks.
The burden cannot sit only on those at risk.
A teacher may notice fear around a family trip. A nurse may hear something that does not sound right. A doctor may see signs that require action. A social worker may sense control behind a rehearsed explanation. A safeguarding lead may be told something quietly, then asked not to make a fuss.
These are not moments for private discomfort. They are moments for professional courage.
If a professional sees harm, hears fear or knows something is wrong, the answer is not to hope another adult will deal with it. Concerns must be recorded. Disclosures must be handled carefully. Safeguarding routes must be followed.
For FGM, the law is specific. In England and Wales, regulated health and social care professionals and teachers must report known cases of FGM in under-18s to the police. Suspicions still require safeguarding action, but the mandatory reporting duty applies to known cases identified in the course of professional work.
That distinction matters. Accuracy protects children. Panic does not. But accuracy must never become an excuse for delay.
The child who hints may be testing whether an adult is safe. The survivor who withdraws a disclosure may still be at risk. The patient who minimises pain may have learned that honesty leads nowhere.
A system that waits for perfect words from frightened people will fail them.
This is not only about abuse. It is also about health.
People living with invisible pain often become skilled at performance. They smile. They work. They reassure others. They say they are fine because explaining the truth has become exhausting.
Trigeminal neuralgia is one clear example. The NHS describes it as sudden, severe facial pain, often like an electric shock in the jaw, teeth or gums, with short and unpredictable attacks. NHS symptoms guidance also describes the pain as excruciating and sometimes so severe that a person cannot do anything while it is happening.
That is not ordinary pain. It can be frightening, disabling and invisible between attacks.
A person living with trigeminal neuralgia may look composed while fearing the next strike of pain. They may avoid eating, speaking, brushing their teeth or stepping into cold air. They may cancel quietly. They may stop explaining because disbelief has become another burden.
Looking well is not the same as being well.
Saying “I am not fine” can be an act of courage.
There is a dangerous habit of praising people only when they cope.
We admire the child who stays quiet.
We admire the survivor who carries on.
We admire the patient who does not complain.
We admire the professional who does not rock the boat.
But a brave face can become another silence.
A child may appear calm because fear has taught control. A survivor may seem composed because emotion has been used against her. A patient may appear strong because visible distress has never helped. A professional may stay quiet because the culture around them rewards comfort over candour.
The better question is not, “Why did they not say more?”
The better question is, “What made it unsafe, pointless or exhausting for them to tell the truth?”
National Honesty Day should not be reduced to a calendar note. The conversation we need is harder.
We need to stop making abuse sound smaller.
We need to stop asking children and survivors to carry shame.
We need to stop praising people for coping while ignoring what coping costs them.
We need to stop confusing caution with silence.
The teacher who records the concern is doing something honest. The nurse who follows the safeguarding route is doing something honest. The friend who believes a disclosure is doing something honest. The professional who refuses soft language is doing something honest. The patient who finally says, “I am not fine,” is doing something honest.
Honesty is not a slogan. It is what happens when someone notices harm and refuses to make it smaller.
There is no honour in abuse.
There is no dignity in silence.
There is no weakness in pain.
And the shame was never theirs to carry.
Aneeta Prem MBE is a UK author, human rights campaigner, founder of Freedom Charity and CEO of Trigeminal Neuralgia Association UK. Her work spans safeguarding, forced marriage, FGM, dishonour abuse, patient voice, invisible pain and public-interest advocacy.
National Day Calendar: National Honesty Day.
Freedom Charity
UK Government: Forced marriage guidance.
Crown Prosecution Service: Female Genital Mutilation.
UK Government: Mandatory reporting of FGM.
NHS: Trigeminal neuralgia overview and symptoms.
Capacity, Consent and Dishonour Abuse: Why “no capacity means no consent” is the safeguard the world is still failing to apply
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